Deep Space Nine Sitcom: Halloween
by Trekdisco
Summary: It's Halloween and the Niners are getting out their costumes but, as usual, chaos arises. What happened on the night. Very funny-worth reading. Set late S5.


The Deep Space Nine Sitcom: Halloween

It's Halloween and the Niners are getting out their costumes but, as usual, chaos arises. What happened on the night.

Key: L = Laughter T = Tiny S = Small N = Normal B = Big H = Huge e.g. TL = Tiny Laughter AW = People going "Aw!" BOO = People booing WOO = People sounding like they're scared CH = Cheers CL = Clapping. WA = Wah wah wah wah wurh G = Gasps D = Den den DEN DR = Dream sound U = "Urgh!" SC = Screams

A big thank you to everyone who read this story (or just put up with me talking about it). To the owners of the Jem'Hadar shop or whatever it's _really _called.

DS9 and everything to do with it is copyright Paramount. This is a piece of fiction-no offence intended and hopefully none shown-and it's unofficial.

Hopefully this'll at least make you smile. Set late season 5. Here we go…

**Halloween on DS9**

(Kasidy is sat on a couch in her quarters reading a pad. Door bleeps. She answers it.)

Kasidy (having opened door): "ARGH!"

(Outside there is a vampire ready to pounce on her. He is wearing a cape and resembles Sisko. NL Kasidy runs screaming to the sofa, which she hides in front of.)

Kasidy: "Help! There's a vampire trying to get me." SL

Sisko (approaching): "I'm not a vampire."

Kasidy: "Yes you are! I'm calling security." SL

Sisko: "No, look at me." (She looks.)

Kasidy: "Ben! Where did you come from? NL There was a vampire and it chased me in here."

Sisko: "That was me."

Kasidy: "Ben, don't be silly. Of course-" (Screams as Sisko poses again. NL)

Kasidy: "Oh! It is you! TL Sorry Ben. What are you wearing that for?"

Sisko: "It's Halloween! This is my costume. The whole crew took on board the idea of a fancy dress party. I kept it a surprise."

Kasidy: "That was certainly a surprise! SL I…_think _I've got a costume somewhere. I'll go and get it. Thank you Ben." (Kisses his cheek then rushes off.)

(Scene changes to promenade. Most people are dressed up. O'Brien is dressed as a pirate.)

Keiko (in Japanese dress): "_Miles! _Molly's lost her trick or treat bag."

O'Brien (to Molly): "I wonder where it could've got to."

Molly (in pumpkin suit AW): "Daddy, will you find my pumpkin bag?"

O'Brien: "Yes, of course Daddy'll find your bag before you go trick or treating." (Searches around and finds it on someone's stall.) "You're lucky they didn't sell it." TL

Molly: "Thank you Daddy."

(Keiko smiles and they go off. Bashir creeps up behind O'Brien.)

Bashir: "Hello, pirate."

O'Brien: "Hello, secret agent." TL

Bashir: "How did you guess?" SL

O'Brien: "Oh, I don't know…" SL

Bashir: "What was that kafuffle over there?"

O'Brien: "Oh, Molly lost her bag. I found it for her."

Bashir: "Are you up for a game of darts? I heard Quark upgraded them to look like bats."

O'Brien: "That will be a sight…" SL

Keiko: "_Miles!_ Molly wants you to come trick or treating with her."

O'Brien: "See you later, Julian."

(Bashir is left alone…until Garak appears.)

Garak: "Oh, hello, my dear Doctor."

Bashir: "Nice costume…" NL (He is dressed as a spy.)

Garak: "Yes…it looks a lot like yours… NL I'm on my way to pick up Ziyal."

Bashir: "You're lucky. Ever since Jadzia fell in love with Worf we've barely seen each other. I wonder what they're doing…"

Garak: "Oh, you know Worf…"

(Scene changes. Worf is outside Jadzia's quarters wearing Klingon armour. The door opens. Worf screams. HL Jadzia is wearing a red dress with long, thick but floaty sleeves, a long skirt and a black corset. Her hair is wavy and she's got on a Klingon head.)

Dax: "Come on, Worf. I look great!" SL

Worf: "Jadzia you look terrible!"

Dax: "Just like a Klingon." NL (Smiles evilly. WOO)

(She takes his arm and they walk off. Back on the promenade, Kasidy is dressed as a queen with a rich purple dress, deep red cloak and gold crown. Ben is with her. He sees some children and jumps at them. They scream and run off. SL)

Kasidy: "Ben, don't scare the kids!"

Sisko: "Maybe I made my costume just a little too scary…" SL

(Jake comes along. He's wearing a spacesuit. A real one. NL)

Jake: "Hi Dad! Hi Kas!"

Kasidy: "Jake! What are you wearing a spacesuit for?" SL

Jake: "It's my costume! I-"

Sisko: "Jake! That is a real spacesuit you're wearing and you're _wasting oxygen!_"

Jake: "The helmet's not on properly. I'm being careful!"

Sisko (crossly): "You'd better be careful 'cos-"

Kasidy: "Ben, its Halloween."

Sisko: "Alright, Jake, just this once, but put it back when you've finished with it."

Jake: "Hey! Thanks Dad."

(He runs off-and falls over. WA NL Garak is outside Ziyal's quarters. The door opens to reveal Ziyal in a pretty pink gown with puffed sleeves, a silver-mauve ribbon doing it up (like a corset) and a lilac under dress. She is wearing a rosy pointed medieval princess hat with floaty material falling off the top and over her Princess Leia buns. Garak gives her his arm and they walk together. Ziyal shrieks and falls over.)

Ziyal (being helped up): "Oh dear. I'm not used to wearing heels." SL

(They stroll onto the promenade where Rom is coaxing Quark out the kitchen. He is wearing a clown costume. SL)

Rom: "Come on brother! Everything's started now."

Quark: "I'm not coming out. Everyone'll laugh at me."

Rom: "Er, Leeta chose the costume for you. (Leeta appears wearing a turquoise mermaid tail, blue dress and teal tiara.) Brother won't come out the kitchen!"

Leeta: "Come out Quark! Everyone'll think you look great."

Quark: "Um, alright then…"

(He steps out in a pink gown with a bow on his head. HL Leeta tries not to laugh.)

Leeta: "You look great…"

Quark: "I'm glad someone thinks so."

(Strides off leaving Leeta to collapse with laughter. Scene turns to Ben and Kasidy in the bar.)

Kasidy: "I never suspected a thing! How did you do it in secret?"

Sisko: "That would give the secret away." TL

(Kasidy laughs. Then out the shadows steps Intendant Kira! They gasp.)

Kira: "Hi!"

Kasidy/Sisko: "INTENDANT KIRA!"

Kira: "No, it's my costume." SL

Sisko: "How can we be sure?"

Kira: "Er, scan the station. You'll see there's only one me. As there is, of course!" NL

('Later' sign appears.)

Odo: "Jadzia ran a scan and found no evidence to Kira being from the alternate reality. Clearly it is a costume."

Sisko: "Nerys! What were you thinking?"

Kira: "I couldn't think of another costume! If you like I'll recycle this into another but I don't know what to be."

Dax: "Why don't you be another species? Say a…Cardassian? (Kira glares at her. BL) Um…Ferengi? (Kira glares harder. HL) Er…Klingon? (Kira folds arms. NL) Hey! Borg! HL"

Kira: "No thank you Jadzia!" NL

Dax: "I know! A Trill." BL

Kira: "No!" NL

Dax: "I got it! A Breen!" BL (Kira roars. HL)

Odo: "Stop it, Jadzia…Wait a minute. What about a Starfleet officer?"

Kira: "Thank you Odo! That's perfect." (She rushes off. Odo beams. CH)

Dax (whispering to Sisko): "How does he do it?" NL

(Fades out. CL Advert break. When it's finished the scene turns to Dominion HQ where the main members are planning. BOO)

Female Changeling: "Hmm…What would be best? An attack or an assault?"

Damar: "Er that means the same thing." SL

Fem Cha: "It doesn't to the founders! NL What do you think, Weyoun?"

Weyoun: "I agree with whatever you say Founder!" SL

Dukat: "I know! We'll do both!" BL

Damar: "I agree!" SL

Fem Cha: "That closes the vote."

Weyoun: "I agree!" NL

(Meanwhile on DS9 kids are bobbing for apples. O'Brien holds Molly as she dips in her head…and catches her when she falls in. BL Jadzia beats Worf at the Bat'leth. CH Bajorans stare at Kira in her Starfleet uniform BL. Everyone laughs when Quark appears HL. Sisko goes around scaring kids. SL Meanwhile an invasion force emerges through the promenade window. WOO Suddenly people panic. SC Red alert alarms ring.)

Male Officer (dressed as a Ghostbuster): "Sir! The Dominion's attacking!"

Sisko (walking into ops): "Power phasers. Target their weapons array."

(Footage shows ship being shot at. It explodes. CH Back at the HQ…)

Damar: "Sir! They've destroyed the first Jem'Hadar ship."

Dukat: "What? They've destroyed a Jem'Hadar shop? They don't own shops!" BL

Damar: "Sir, are you losing your hearing?" SL

Dukat: "Of course not! TL Now what was this about Sisko destroying the first Jem'Hadar shop?" SL

(Damar claps his hand onto his forehead. WA NL Back on DS9 a meeting is being held in the wardroom, everyone in costume. Nog is wearing remarkably loud Ferengi clothes that look absolutely terrible on him.)

Sisko: "Right everyone! What do you have to say about the attack earlier?"

Kira: "I think it was an assault." NL

Sisko: "That means the same thing." SL

Kira (dreamily): "Oh…I denno…" (Admires her uniform. SL)

Bashir: "That ship sent half the promenade into chaos. I suggest we do something about it. Sign a treaty?"

Sisko: "I'm not surrendering to the Dominion! We need an attack plan…NOW!"

Kira: "_Assault!_" NL

(Back at Dominion HQ the baddies are plotting. BOO)

Fem Sha (to Damar): "What's this about Jem'Hadar shops?" NL

Damar: "Um, never mind… SL Anyway, Sisko's destroyed the first Dominion ships to get near DS9."

Weyoun: "What do you suppose we do then?"

Damar: "PANIC!" (Runs around room flailing arms and screaming. HL Fem Sha puts head in hands. WA NL)

Weyoun: "An interesting answer. A Vorta would never consider such a silly course of action." NL

Dukat: "Then we negotiate. Threaten we'll nick their precious DS9 and then assault-"

Fem Sha: "ATTACK!" SL

Dukat: "-them by coming on the station directly."

Weyoun: "I think simply negotiating would be better."

Fem Sha: "I agree. Hail them immediately." BOO

(Back at ops.)

Female Officer (dressed as bat): "Sir! There's a message coming in. It's from the Dominion."

Sisko: "Onscreen."

Dukat (after appearing with the others BOO): "Ah! Sisko. Has Starfleet changed its uniform again?" TL

Sisko: "What do you want Gul Dukat?"

Dukat: "I heard you destroyed a few Jem'Hadar shops." NL

Sisko: "_Ships._"

Dukat: "No, shops. TL Damar told me that you are trying to sabotage all means of the Dominion successfully dealing with other worlds." SL

Damar: "No I didn't!" TL

Dukat: "Yes you did! We will beam over in 10 minutes to discuss a treaty. See you soon." BOO

(Com goes offline. The crew doesn't look happy.)

Sisko (punching fist): "Great!"

O'Brien: "Well, Sir, we can hardly get rid of them."

Dax: "We could scare them off!" NL

Sisko: "Wait a minute Old Man! Maybe we can." WOO

(Ten minutes later the Fem Sha, Weyoun, Dukat, Damar and a dozen Jem'Hadar (Hey! That rhymes!) beam aboard. BOO They look around but no-one's there. The main lights are off and there's an eerie green glow. WOO Webs have been draped over consoles and a dead body (courtesy of the morgue) is sprawled on the floor.)

Fem Sha: "Oh dear. This isn't how I remember it." SL

Damar: "What's that smell?"

(He is stood next to pumpkin with Starfleet logo carved onto it. SL Cardassian vole runs over Dukat's foot. He screams. NL)

Fem Sha (ducking as bat flies over her TL): "What's happened here?"

Dukat: "I have not a clue."

(Evil laughter begins. Creepy music begins and Sisko appears, looking very scary in his costume. BL)

Sisko (in spooky voice): "Gul Dukat! How dare you step into our territory?"

Dukat: "Sisko, what kind of plan is this?" TL

Sisko: "I am not Sisko! I am the evil count…Siskula NL and I will kill your daughter if you don't comply."

(Ziyal appears in white nightie. Sisko opens his jaws to bear sharp teeth. He pretends to bite her. SL)

Dukat: "Ziyal? Don't you dare harm my daughter!"

Kira: "Oh, don't worry, we won't hurt her."

(Kira emerges. Her skin and hair is white like an Aenar and she's wearing a long white gown. She's carrying a chain which is sweeping the floor. WOO Behind her appears O'Brien who's still in his pirate costume complete with eye patch and sword. He's also white.)

O'Brien: "Aha me hearties! Let's sail the 7 seas!" BL

Kira: "Sorry about him. He just won't stay in his grave." NL

(Dax appears still in Klingon gear only she's white too.)

Dax: "WOOOOOOO! I am the ghost of B'Etor and I am going to get 'er." NL

Kira: "You don't have to be mad to work here but it helps." NL

Dukat: "What kind of a plan is this? No fighting, no screaming, no explosions. Come on Sisko-you're tougher than this!" SL

Sisko: "But I am not Sisko. I am count Sis-" TL

Damar: "Don't be silly. Of course you're Sisko."

Sisko: "Maybe you'll believe me when you meet…Ono!" NL

Damar: "What kind of a name is-?"

(He screams as huge ghost appears. G SC Dukat's eyes widen until his face cracks into a smile.)

Dukat: "Sisko, you really think you can fool me?"

Sisko: "I am not-"

Dukat: "Yes, I got that. TL Clearly that ghost's a projection."

Sisko: "Oh, it's no projection. Scan it."

(Damar shakily does so and his eyes widen.)

Damar: "It's…it's…_real!_" G

Dukat: "What?"

Damar: "Mummy! I wanna go home!" (Sucks his thumb.) BL

Dukat: "Pull yourself together Damar! NL _Real? Impossible!_" WOO

(Suddenly a mad scientist that resembles Bashir appears holding drill.)

Bashir: "Shall I cut into their heads?"

Kasidy (who's in her Queen outfit only its white): "No, I'll cut _off_ their heads."

Quark (in dress): "Hello everybody." (Damar screams. HL)

Dukat: "Stop this madness now!"

Sisko: "Your daughter's lily white neck looks tasty…"

Dukat: "Don't touch Ziyal! I can't believe I left her in such a nutty place." SL

Weyoun: "Not quite how I was expecting DS9 to be." NL

Fem Sha: "Let's start negotiating."

Garak: "Oh no, you shan't!" (He steps out the shadows. D)

Dominion: "OH NO! GARAK!" BL

Sisko: "Leave this station immediately or face a fate worse than DEATH."

Garak (taking Ziyal's hand): "If you don't comply with what Sisko asks, I shall marry your daughter." HL

Dukat: "Don't you dare!" NL

Sisko: "You have 1 minute to LEAVE."

(He laughs horribly and turns round to vanish in a puff of smoke.)

Damar: "This is insane. We're leaving."

Dukat: "Hurry up! If we're not fast then my daughter will become Mrs Garak." BL

Weyoun (curtseying to Fem Sha): "Founder, my apologies for such a chaotic evening."

Damar (talking to ship): "Beam us out of here."

(They beam off. On the promenade a crowd has gathered and is applauding the parading Niners. CL CH Garak bows. Ziyal curtsies. Worf appears.)

Jadzia: "There you are. Where were you?"

Worf: "In the toilet; dressing up as a monster has no honour." NL

Jadzia: "Oh really…" (Smiles evilly. WOO)

(Fades to Kasidy and Sisko walking through door to Kasidy's quarters. They laugh and collapse onto the sofa.)

Kasidy: "Thanks Ben! I've had a wonderful night."

Sisko: "After Quark made that box of horrors with real worms in it…" U

Kasidy: "Yes, I know, Worf ran off screaming as fast as he could." NL

Sisko: "I don't think Leeta found it funny." NL

(They laugh again when suddenly they hear a loud "Whoo!" They hold onto each other and shiver. The door opens and in floats a ghost. G SC Sisko and Kasidy shriek…and the ghost morphs into Odo. CH He chuckles.)

Odo: "I thought you would recognise me after I scared Damar in this form." NL

Kasidy: "You frightened the life out of us."

O'Brien (calling from outside): "Anybody seen Molly's bag?"

(Sisko puts a finger to his lips and pulls out…Molly's bag. BL Kasidy tries not to laugh. Fades onto credits.)

THE END


End file.
